I dont remember stuff like other people do, I have huge gaps in my memory where sometimes there are only vivid memories of abusive events or its just blank. Family can reminisce about events that took place and tell you what they wore, where we were, I don't remember a thing. This bugs me a lot but I can't do much about it.
2 more symptoms of C-PTSD
Altered Consciousness:
- Dissociation: Feeling detached from your body or mind.
- This is a constant, it can often come across as depression, being introverted, being autistic, there are many ways people see it. To me its an inability to experience life day to day, People will say things like "Are you not happy because...". No, I dont know what that feels like.
- Memory Lapses: Inability to recall important aspects of the traumatic events.
- Yes and No. For many traumatic events I can recall a level of detail on a near forensic level, for others there are thresholds I can remember up to and then its blank and for more normal life events, I dont remember anything.
One example of a memory, I was hospitalised at about 5 or 6 years old due to constant bed wetting. I had an alarm on my bed that went off during the night if you wet the bed. It went off every night. Then I figured out how to short circuit the device so it never went off but of course the evidence was there in the morning. So I was packed off to be fixed.
On the first day I was told I couldn't leave until I had learned bladder control which was measured by filling a jug every time I peed and working out how much I could hold. I have vivid memories of the ward sister telling me with a look in her eye that I would be kept in until I reached a certain level. I instantly realised that if I never filled that jug, I could stay there. managed 6 weeks before I was found out and sent home. I protested a lot about being sent home but there were no options as far as they were concerned, I was packed off. Of course the bed wetting continued into my teens.